Breathing and Pounding

I’m a writer and like every other writer I can’t take things lightly, I can’t help but feel more than what others feel. Also, as a writer I like to imagine I have something going on my mind that is different than the rest of the world.

I should probably tell you the medical definition of panic attacks, but I’ll make it personal, and tell you mines. Panic attacks usually happen in stressful, anxious situations, situations where I do not feel comfortable, or situations which are trigger to previous time I had felt anxious. Then it all starts: heart pounding, breath quickens, tears threaten, feeling disoriented, and scary thoughts. Everything at once. Everything without a head ups. Everything without you knowing why. And everything stops abruptly, but like any strong feeling, the hangover reminds. Why? Why did that just happened? Why did I feel all that? Because you have panic attacks, because you have anxiety, because you feel too much at once.

I don’t think there is a perfect way to explain when I get anxious, of course I get before a big exams, or a presentation, but I also get it in a crowded cafeteria, I also get it when I have to talk on the phone, or when I have to ask for something in a store. It is not the normal before an exam anxiety, is “I have to deal with humans” anxiety.

It started around December/January when I struggling with sleeping at night, I will turn and turn but it wasn't just I couldn’t find the right position. I would close my eyes and my mind wouldn't shut up, at the time I didn’t have any obligations, so I was not struggling with exams or deadlines, they were just thoughts. My breath got quick, my heart beat loud… and so on and on. I thought it was only stress, but somehow it felt more than stress. I talked to my mother and she pointed out anxiety and panic attacks. I’ve heard of them many time but somehow they felt a little bit distance to me, like I was not allowed to deal with them, I was never involved in a traumatic experience, was I? It was always stress to me. But as I did more research (always trustworthy sources), I realize that  everything felt real, I was struggling with how anxiety was describe by people. Being honest, it scared me. Was I going to deal with it always? Was it going to stop me? Does it sucks?

It does sucks. It sucks because sometimes you can’t go out, sometimes you need to leave a classroom because it is too much. It sucks because people don’t understand. It is so hard to explain to someone how you feel when you are anxious, just like someone suffering from depression can’t explain depression to someone, because it is not just sadness, it is more. It is not just feeling anxious, it is more. It is not just a final, it is more. Maybe that is what we can call it, “it is not just...it is more.” Not just a phone call, not just a photo, not just a message, not just pain, not just talking in class, it feels ten times heavier, ten times harder to proceed. It sucks, anxiety just sucks. Every word feels heavy, when someone brush you off, it is not just to the side, for me it is out of your life, you don’t want me anymore. We feel everything, ten times how a regular person does.

I am learning to slowly live with it. As I write this, I can tell you that last night I toss and turn for hours because my heart was loud, my breathing… I am in this slow process of understanding that is ok to feel everything, is ok to allowed myself to avoid a phone call, it is ok to allowed myself to have some nice tea and a book just to relax. I am learning  to understand what are my triggers as well, since December is just a right around the corner and lots of memories and flashbacks are coming to me. I am learning that pulling away from some people has help me to understand why I was so suffocated a few months ago. I am learning that taking sometime off from your regular life and from certain people helps me feel better. I have yet to find an actual method to make myself feel better when the world is loud, music helps, writing helps, reading helps, swimming helps, even friends help. I am open to anyone telling me how they deal with anxiety and panic attacks as well. I hope everyone understand a little bit better why I sometimes need to be alone and understand that many things you do in your daily life, to me are hard. And I hope after finally opening up about this I can feel a bit better about being scared of making a phone call.

20 things I learned in 20 years

So the day has arrived that I turn 20 years old *cringes at the thoughts*. Nop, I’m not completely happy about this but I know I have to face it. Today January 13^th, 2016 I turn 20 years old. Everyone keeps telling me I’m still young, but to me it feels like too much. Anyways, I’m not here to be bitter over my birthday, instead, I want to tell you 20 important lessons this life has taught me:

1.       Mom always knows. Disagree all you want with her, but she knows. She knows when a boy is not right for you, or when that girl would end up hurting you. Mom always knows what is right for you. I know in the back of my mind that yes mom, I will end up with an engineer and not a writer.

2.       Time can heal everything. I promise you it does. You probably hear this all the time, but it is true. You will not even remember how it felt to have him around, or why you liked that girl as a friend so much. Give it time, you will feel better.

3.       Bullies are all around, learn not to listen. Even in college people will talk behind your back, people will still make fun of you. But forget them and move on with your life.

4.       Nobody needs to come between you and your friends. I did learn this the hard way, but never let anyone come between you two. Not a guy, not another friend, no one.

5.       You will fail and fail and fail, but you don’t have to give up and you’ll learn from this. You will fail the first time and maybe the second time, but you’ll learn and you’ll get what you want and succeed. Never ever give up just because you fail once, or twice, move on and work harder

6.       You can never go wrong with eyeliner. Learn how to use it, and wear it, always.

7.       Find something that you love and do it every day. Even if you suck, do it.  If you love to sing, do it every day. If you enjoy writing, do it every day. You’ll find a little bit of joy every day.

8.       Your body is sacred take care of it but decorate it. Get that tattoo, get that piercing, but eat healthy, workout, meditate and get some sleep.

9.       Take pictures and pictures and more pictures. Even if people look at you strange you don’t want to forget that time you saw that beautiful sunset or the time you went around Walmart in a shopping cart even though your legs defiantly do not fit.

10.   Find two lipsticks you like, one for the winter and one for the summer. Change it every now, but choose two and you are safe to go.

11.   Taylor Swift has the answer to your heart break. My personal favorite is “We are Never ever getting back” but basically listen to every single album and I guarantee that you’ll go from crying your eyes out to dancing and singing to “22” in your bedroom.

12.   Sometimes a good cry is all you need. So go ahead and cry your heart out, cry and cry. Crying is good motivation to remember how you don’t want to feel, so you go ahead and fix whatever bothers you. Or you go to the kitchen get some good food that will make you feel better.

13.   You have to read and read. I’m pretty sure this is the only advice I give to my younger siblings. Books just give you something to kill time and hey, you can always start a conversation if you know a good book. Bonus: thanks to a book I got my first tattoo.

14.   Ignore what people might say and just do you. So what if that girl from your class think your shirt is ugly? So what if the guy you are dating does not like tattoos and piercings? Just do whatever makes you happy. Go ahead and get 5 billion tattoos, wear that skirt and cut all your hair, the only one who has to like it, is you.

15.   Don’t expect anything from anyone. Harsh, but true. Go ahead and day dream that someone will come to the door with donuts and a life-size unicorn but no, it might never happened. You can dream all you want, like I hope one day I can live in a penthouse in NY with my 3 cats and walk to work every day at Vogue, but that is because it is me who has to work hard to achieve that. Don’t expect the world to stop for you, just work hard to get what you want.

16.   Give people nicknames. Not only is it hilarious but you create a bond with them

17.   Drinking coffee does not make you a grown up. It only makes you human who either did not sleep or has to stay up late.  So drink away my friend.

18.   And it is ok to be a grown up. Yes, doing the laundry sucks, and so does cooking. But going out without anyone questioning is also and so does driving around with friends blasting to music.

19.   Express your feelings. Whether you like to talk, write, sing or draw, don’t bottle up, at some point you’ll burst and you’ll realize you can’t go on like that.

20.   Life is made of small moments, take them all in. Like watching the sunset by the river with your friends, or walking at 5am in Buenos Aires with people you just meet, or dancing to Taylor Swift after getting a good grade.

Love

Pili

Coming clean

The lack of posting when I swore I was Going to do more has a lot to do with a big epiphany I had this week. Not only did I have a horrible cold, but eMotionally I was not me. I spent many hours trapped in myself wOndering how to move forward, how to go on, how to be happy but mostly I realized: I was not me. I was trapped.

I felt trapped.

I think that is the best way to described it. I was trapped. Trapped in a person that was not me. I was not me. I was a girl obsessed with something that really did not belong to me, something that was not right for me. I know I seemed happy, and that was eVerything that people wanted in me. But it was not what I wanted in myself. I wanted to be the gIrl who had something in common with Holden Caulfield, (SOMETHING? Lols, everything), I wanted to be the girl who will write about her feelings, the girl who in one Night could write 3 poems about how much she hated that girl in her class, I wanted to be the girl who when she stayed up late it meant long senseless  conversation with her friends. Maybe I was not the briGht girl who will smile at everyone but I knew I was happy, and being happy was the only thing that matter to me. So this past few months, my blog, my writing and my whole self, it was not me. It scared me so much. I was hiding myself. I was hiding my passion to write, I can’t remember the last time I touched my stories, I can’t remember the last time I had deep conversation with friends about the universe. I started to realize how scary this was. Why couldn’t I be me?

Looking back, I remember not loving that life, but I allowed myself to turn into someone I hated, I turned into a paper girl and everything was sort of superficial. I was a girl who will only look forward to the weekend to party, I was a girl who would listen tO music she hated because everyone liked it, I posted selfies and not pictures of sunsets, I thought it was stupid that my mind spoke in poetry, I was the girl who rejected a trip to the town where she had all her best friends for something silly like a night out. I was in fact a paper girl, living in a paper town. What I told myself I will never be.

Being honest, I haven’t been myself in month. I think since arouNd September. It is true that this past month has been harder. There were days when I would drag myself out of bed and looked at my closet and could not do it. I couldn’t bring myself to get dress because I did not feel good enough to do so. I felt like nothing look good, like everything I wore was going to be criticize. It seems like nothing, but looking back, it was only getting dress, and I could not do it. A lot of the memories are coming back to me, like that I had finished eating and just slide myself to the kitchen floor and wonder “why? Why do I feel so much?” It was crying at 1am and falling asleep at 3am, only to be awake at 5am and feeling completely empty and crying more. I hated this girl, who dragged her body, who did not dress for herself, and who did not allowed herself to just be happy. I remember asking myself “why do I feel this? Why do I have to feel like this? This is not how I was supposed to feel.”

Why am I talking about all this now? Because as I was sitting in my room crying I realized I needed to pull myself together and get out there. Maybe it was the “I’m shinning like fireworks over your sad empty town…” from Dear John by Taylor Swift, I realized I did not need to shut up, I realize I needed to get back to being me, I realize I did not have to go on crying or tossing and turning at night, I realize one person was not going to take me down, was not going to take the fun out of me. And I was starting with this post. Coming clean, not just with my readers but with everyone who knows personally, to tell them than this months, I was not me, but I will get back to myself, I promise.

My last advice for anyone out there who feels like this is: sometimes we lose ourselves, we transformed ourselves into nasty monsters who we hate, but that is ok, because in the end we end up finding us, we find who we really want to be and maybe it is hard, but you’ll understand, we just loose who we are, only to find ourselves.

(Yes, I did go all Taylor Swift and her “She lost him, but she found herself, and somehow that was everything”).

Love,

Pili

Heartbreak...

I’m terrified to post this because the person who this is About might read, so if you are, uhm, hi. Sorry if this bother you but you once told me to forget what people thiNk, to just write and not be ashameD of my blog.

This pAst week I felt heartbreak. At least that whAt it felt like. You know, crying every now and then, burning in your heart, Taylor Swift album on repeat and remembering the small things. Heart break is what you Feel when you find his pIctures on your phone, when his name is on your Snapchat story is that feeLing on your chest when there are chances you could run into hiM on Saturday night at the club. Heart break is me writing this.

I’m a cold person, so to wArm up to someone it was one of the haRdest and strangest feelings I experienced. I swore to myself at the beginning I will not allowed myself to feel this. And another part of me was like “Nah, let yourself go.” You might think, “Well you Probably hate yourself right now, but I dOn’t. It is not only part of life but the writeR in me tells me to experience life aNd all its feelings, right Now it is time to feel my heart breaking. Maybe in a few months I will feel real love (not that I never love you, it was nOt love love, at least it didn’t get there. I hope you understand what I felt because maybe, you did too).

I will not regret this feeling or whatever we had because after all I did learn somethings. I learn to let myself go, and have fun. I learn to ignore what others say and just do what makes me happy. I learn to see life different because of this person. Isn’t strange what a person can teach us in a few months? I also learn heart break, and how to deal with it, (Taylor Swift, a party, and junk food are the key). But its part of life and life is not all sunshine and unicorns.

To all of you experiencing this feeling I’m sorry to tell you that you will feel it in the small things: you’ll haTe waking up and not finding his texts, you’ll miss his videos and every time you eat donUts it will remind you of him. On the other hand, I know that one day you will smile when you go back to the bar because of the memories and not because it will remind you of this feeling. I know what when you see him at the club or at a party you will smile at him and ask how many Videos is he filming this week, insteAd of having your smile vanish the moment you see him. I know that you won’t Curse him when you talk to his friends, instead you’ll ask them how he is doing and if he is happy. I just know heArt break is temporarily and one day it will be fine.

If you are reading this (which a side of me doesn’t want you to, but another wants you to know all of this), I hope you know how much I care for you, more than I ever did for anyone-And I’m the type who cares about everyone- how I got worry every night you went out and couldn’t sleep properly until I got the “I’m home” text. How I always made sure you were breathing properly when you fell asleep. And how I ran to help you that night they told me you were not doing good. Maybe he’ll hate you for posting this, but like I said before: he told you not to be ashamed and work on your blog. And here you are building the courage to write and share your heart break story with the world, and with him.

Love

Pili

Ps: I wrote this not for him but for myself and all my readers who understand this feeling

Ps 2: thank you to Coni from Pilana & Co for the help here

To my biggest fan....

I think in a way you would have love this, to have your own post here. I wish it didn’t have to be under this conditions. You out of all the people in my life, you were my biggest fan, not just here but in everything I did. I never said it but I loved your comments and I’ll miss them. Every day as I move forward in my career I think about your comments and all your support.

There were three aspects of you I’ll hold close forever and I can only hope to be the person you were. The first one is your adventures. I remember spending hours with you, listening to your stories, everywhere you went. I still remember thinking how I wanted that life, to go on the same adventures you went to. I want to go to all the places you went and see all the things you saw. I want to tell my grandchildren everything you told us. But the fact that I won’t hear all the stories again or the fact that there are so many stories you forgot to tell us, breaks me every day. Every day I think, what story would he have told me today? I would always remember you on my kitchen table talking about all this with a smile and asking me the same question: “and your boyfriend?” (Grandpa he is not around and I doubt we’ll see him anytime soon).

I would always admire your strength. You were the strongest person I knew, the toughest soldier. When we were saying goodbye everyone would tell us how strong you were, how you never complain, not once. Even when it hurt, when you felt like you couldn’t you manage to get up, you manage to make me smile or to crack a smile even yourself, just like last time I saw you. My strength to write all this is inspire by yours, all the times you got up, even when you couldn’t. I’m writing this thinking about your strength because although it breaks my heart to write this sort of goodbye letter, I know you would like it, I know it is what I have to do. So thank you, thank you for inspiring me to write this and giving me the strength to write.

Maybe this is my favorite trait and one that I would never forget: your love, for us, and by us I mean everyone, your sons and daughters, your wife and all your grandchildren. I remember how all of us laid on your lap, you weren’t officially a grandchildren until you were on your lap. Every day, maybe it was a struggle for you but you never stop loving us. Going back to what I said before, I still remember all the effort you made to some and see us that last time. Looking back I know it hurt, but that never stop you from coming home and spending time with us, it never stop the 40km drive, you just loved us that much. My last memory with you, maybe it isn’t in the prettiest place but I’ll always remember your smile when you saw me, how happy you looked just like every time you saw us. So, me this cold heart girl, who does not understand the meaning of love, I hope one day to love people the way you did.

I recently made a promise to myself, and maybe to you too. I promise to never stop writing. I stopped this last few months because I couldn’t find myself but now, I promise to never stop. I promise to you to never stop. I’ll write at least one each week, even if it sucks even if I can’t remember the last time I ate because it is finals season, I’ll write. I don’t know if where you are you can see this, I really hope you do. I hope that where ever you are you are happy, you are spending time outside and you are near the sea, I hope you are sitting outside and you see all the green and hear the birds. But mainly I hope you are seeing us play, I hope you can read this because this is how I’m saying goodbye to you, because I’ll always remember your comments here. I love you forever and I’ll miss you every day.

Love

Pili

Dear Diary,

I decided to make my post today a Little more personal. I want to share what has been on my mind this past week.

I wish I could freeze this moment forever. Where I’m at peace. Where my future and past do not matter yet. Where my future and past do not collide. I wish I could stay like this. In less than a month, I’ll say goodbye to those I love. In three months I start a new life, one that determines what I’ll do the rest of my life. I wish I could stay in this moment. The moment nothings really matter and nothing really affects me.

I want to remain in this moment. Where I’m not a child, but not an adult. Where I’m with everyone I know and love. I wish this days would last forever. Days where the sun is bright and it sets late. Days where we do not have a care, where we can stay up late and nothing matters. This are the days where we do not have to worry because we are not kids, we do not have to pick how to color our drawings, and we are not adults, we do not have to prepare for our next meeting.

I hope you can relate and understand where I’m coming from.

Love

Pili

Poetry

HI! It has been more than a week since I last posted! I apologize, I actually have 3 good reasons why, first one being I started school again, so that has got me everywhere except with writing time! The second one is a nice friend of mine call IB, yep the International Baccalaureate, my friends. In case you don’t know it’s like AP subjects, maybe even harder and longer. So I’m starting all my IB projects, running around teachers and giving them ideas. The third and last is my Microsoft Word wasn't working and I like writing there before posting. Anyways, I promised I tried to post more and this blog might help me in my CAS class (more IB stuff) so I’ll post more often. 

Enough of this, today I’m going to share one of my latest poem. I actually really liked this one, and I think you can interpret it however you want it. It is different from what I normally write because it is not based on anything personal.

Bare

You stand there bare

Giving me everything

Helping me through everything

And I can’t think straight

You stand there bare

The taxi cabs and the snow

The city moving fast

And I stare at you slowly

You stand there as your laugh echoes

You have that winning smile

Your head through back

And I listen to your laugh smiling

I stand there bare

I stand there looking out

I stand there as my laugh echoes

You can’t think straight, but you listen and stare

I hope you enjoy it, I would love some feedback and may I’ll post more poems!

Love,

Pili