Heartbreak...

I’m terrified to post this because the person who this is About might read, so if you are, uhm, hi. Sorry if this bother you but you once told me to forget what people thiNk, to just write and not be ashameD of my blog.

This pAst week I felt heartbreak. At least that whAt it felt like. You know, crying every now and then, burning in your heart, Taylor Swift album on repeat and remembering the small things. Heart break is what you Feel when you find his pIctures on your phone, when his name is on your Snapchat story is that feeLing on your chest when there are chances you could run into hiM on Saturday night at the club. Heart break is me writing this.

I’m a cold person, so to wArm up to someone it was one of the haRdest and strangest feelings I experienced. I swore to myself at the beginning I will not allowed myself to feel this. And another part of me was like “Nah, let yourself go.” You might think, “Well you Probably hate yourself right now, but I dOn’t. It is not only part of life but the writeR in me tells me to experience life aNd all its feelings, right Now it is time to feel my heart breaking. Maybe in a few months I will feel real love (not that I never love you, it was nOt love love, at least it didn’t get there. I hope you understand what I felt because maybe, you did too).

I will not regret this feeling or whatever we had because after all I did learn somethings. I learn to let myself go, and have fun. I learn to ignore what others say and just do what makes me happy. I learn to see life different because of this person. Isn’t strange what a person can teach us in a few months? I also learn heart break, and how to deal with it, (Taylor Swift, a party, and junk food are the key). But its part of life and life is not all sunshine and unicorns.

To all of you experiencing this feeling I’m sorry to tell you that you will feel it in the small things: you’ll haTe waking up and not finding his texts, you’ll miss his videos and every time you eat donUts it will remind you of him. On the other hand, I know that one day you will smile when you go back to the bar because of the memories and not because it will remind you of this feeling. I know what when you see him at the club or at a party you will smile at him and ask how many Videos is he filming this week, insteAd of having your smile vanish the moment you see him. I know that you won’t Curse him when you talk to his friends, instead you’ll ask them how he is doing and if he is happy. I just know heArt break is temporarily and one day it will be fine.

If you are reading this (which a side of me doesn’t want you to, but another wants you to know all of this), I hope you know how much I care for you, more than I ever did for anyone-And I’m the type who cares about everyone- how I got worry every night you went out and couldn’t sleep properly until I got the “I’m home” text. How I always made sure you were breathing properly when you fell asleep. And how I ran to help you that night they told me you were not doing good. Maybe he’ll hate you for posting this, but like I said before: he told you not to be ashamed and work on your blog. And here you are building the courage to write and share your heart break story with the world, and with him.

Love

Pili

Ps: I wrote this not for him but for myself and all my readers who understand this feeling

Ps 2: thank you to Coni from Pilana & Co for the help here

To my biggest fan....

I think in a way you would have love this, to have your own post here. I wish it didn’t have to be under this conditions. You out of all the people in my life, you were my biggest fan, not just here but in everything I did. I never said it but I loved your comments and I’ll miss them. Every day as I move forward in my career I think about your comments and all your support.

There were three aspects of you I’ll hold close forever and I can only hope to be the person you were. The first one is your adventures. I remember spending hours with you, listening to your stories, everywhere you went. I still remember thinking how I wanted that life, to go on the same adventures you went to. I want to go to all the places you went and see all the things you saw. I want to tell my grandchildren everything you told us. But the fact that I won’t hear all the stories again or the fact that there are so many stories you forgot to tell us, breaks me every day. Every day I think, what story would he have told me today? I would always remember you on my kitchen table talking about all this with a smile and asking me the same question: “and your boyfriend?” (Grandpa he is not around and I doubt we’ll see him anytime soon).

I would always admire your strength. You were the strongest person I knew, the toughest soldier. When we were saying goodbye everyone would tell us how strong you were, how you never complain, not once. Even when it hurt, when you felt like you couldn’t you manage to get up, you manage to make me smile or to crack a smile even yourself, just like last time I saw you. My strength to write all this is inspire by yours, all the times you got up, even when you couldn’t. I’m writing this thinking about your strength because although it breaks my heart to write this sort of goodbye letter, I know you would like it, I know it is what I have to do. So thank you, thank you for inspiring me to write this and giving me the strength to write.

Maybe this is my favorite trait and one that I would never forget: your love, for us, and by us I mean everyone, your sons and daughters, your wife and all your grandchildren. I remember how all of us laid on your lap, you weren’t officially a grandchildren until you were on your lap. Every day, maybe it was a struggle for you but you never stop loving us. Going back to what I said before, I still remember all the effort you made to some and see us that last time. Looking back I know it hurt, but that never stop you from coming home and spending time with us, it never stop the 40km drive, you just loved us that much. My last memory with you, maybe it isn’t in the prettiest place but I’ll always remember your smile when you saw me, how happy you looked just like every time you saw us. So, me this cold heart girl, who does not understand the meaning of love, I hope one day to love people the way you did.

I recently made a promise to myself, and maybe to you too. I promise to never stop writing. I stopped this last few months because I couldn’t find myself but now, I promise to never stop. I promise to you to never stop. I’ll write at least one each week, even if it sucks even if I can’t remember the last time I ate because it is finals season, I’ll write. I don’t know if where you are you can see this, I really hope you do. I hope that where ever you are you are happy, you are spending time outside and you are near the sea, I hope you are sitting outside and you see all the green and hear the birds. But mainly I hope you are seeing us play, I hope you can read this because this is how I’m saying goodbye to you, because I’ll always remember your comments here. I love you forever and I’ll miss you every day.

Love

Pili