Coming clean

The lack of posting when I swore I was Going to do more has a lot to do with a big epiphany I had this week. Not only did I have a horrible cold, but eMotionally I was not me. I spent many hours trapped in myself wOndering how to move forward, how to go on, how to be happy but mostly I realized: I was not me. I was trapped.

I felt trapped.

I think that is the best way to described it. I was trapped. Trapped in a person that was not me. I was not me. I was a girl obsessed with something that really did not belong to me, something that was not right for me. I know I seemed happy, and that was eVerything that people wanted in me. But it was not what I wanted in myself. I wanted to be the gIrl who had something in common with Holden Caulfield, (SOMETHING? Lols, everything), I wanted to be the girl who will write about her feelings, the girl who in one Night could write 3 poems about how much she hated that girl in her class, I wanted to be the girl who when she stayed up late it meant long senseless  conversation with her friends. Maybe I was not the briGht girl who will smile at everyone but I knew I was happy, and being happy was the only thing that matter to me. So this past few months, my blog, my writing and my whole self, it was not me. It scared me so much. I was hiding myself. I was hiding my passion to write, I can’t remember the last time I touched my stories, I can’t remember the last time I had deep conversation with friends about the universe. I started to realize how scary this was. Why couldn’t I be me?

Looking back, I remember not loving that life, but I allowed myself to turn into someone I hated, I turned into a paper girl and everything was sort of superficial. I was a girl who will only look forward to the weekend to party, I was a girl who would listen tO music she hated because everyone liked it, I posted selfies and not pictures of sunsets, I thought it was stupid that my mind spoke in poetry, I was the girl who rejected a trip to the town where she had all her best friends for something silly like a night out. I was in fact a paper girl, living in a paper town. What I told myself I will never be.

Being honest, I haven’t been myself in month. I think since arouNd September. It is true that this past month has been harder. There were days when I would drag myself out of bed and looked at my closet and could not do it. I couldn’t bring myself to get dress because I did not feel good enough to do so. I felt like nothing look good, like everything I wore was going to be criticize. It seems like nothing, but looking back, it was only getting dress, and I could not do it. A lot of the memories are coming back to me, like that I had finished eating and just slide myself to the kitchen floor and wonder “why? Why do I feel so much?” It was crying at 1am and falling asleep at 3am, only to be awake at 5am and feeling completely empty and crying more. I hated this girl, who dragged her body, who did not dress for herself, and who did not allowed herself to just be happy. I remember asking myself “why do I feel this? Why do I have to feel like this? This is not how I was supposed to feel.”

Why am I talking about all this now? Because as I was sitting in my room crying I realized I needed to pull myself together and get out there. Maybe it was the “I’m shinning like fireworks over your sad empty town…” from Dear John by Taylor Swift, I realized I did not need to shut up, I realize I needed to get back to being me, I realize I did not have to go on crying or tossing and turning at night, I realize one person was not going to take me down, was not going to take the fun out of me. And I was starting with this post. Coming clean, not just with my readers but with everyone who knows personally, to tell them than this months, I was not me, but I will get back to myself, I promise.

My last advice for anyone out there who feels like this is: sometimes we lose ourselves, we transformed ourselves into nasty monsters who we hate, but that is ok, because in the end we end up finding us, we find who we really want to be and maybe it is hard, but you’ll understand, we just loose who we are, only to find ourselves.

(Yes, I did go all Taylor Swift and her “She lost him, but she found herself, and somehow that was everything”).

Love,

Pili